Don't Laugh. It's Not Funny. It's My Life.

Listing of this morning's Blumders: Drove into a parking garage that I could only valet in, but thought I could self park. Valet drivers gave me a strange look when I blew past them. Drove in circles in the parking garage and saw only reserved spaces. Exited the parking garage and entered a $4.00 parking lot across the street from the building where my client is located. Drove around the parking lot for a good five minutes looking for a space (now five minutes late to my 9:00 AM meeting). Asked parking lot attendant if there were any spaces he pointed to a corner of the lot and said a woman was leaving. I never saw a woman or a vacant spot. E-mail client to say I was having parking issues. Left lot located on a one-way street and could not get back to the building parking garage with the valet. I had to drive up two blocks, turn right, and then right and then come back on the original street. Entered original parking garage and valeted. Now over 10 minu...

Yesterday, after a lunch break during a training session I was conducting (and no, I am not a trainer by trade), I sat in front of my trainees about to continue with our meeting when I smelled something like a sandwich with onions or like the occasional runner who passes by you whose scent makes you gag.   I looked around for nearby trashcans, but didn’t see any.   I discretely sniffed the air around me and could not figure out what this foreign smell was and then, horrified, recognized it was my right armpit.   A little known fact about me:   my armpits do not sweat.   Therefore, I was really shocked by the offensive odor emanating from my right armpit. I determined there could only be one possible explanation for this.   It had to   be the cheap dress I was wearing.   Lesson learned.   If you wear a cheap dress, it is inevitable your right armpit will be stinky.

I had an incident today where I didn't know the difference between a pig and a cow toy while shopping at a store.  It was funny and also embarrassing when the guy at the register told me I picked up a cow and I told him I had picked up a pig.  I realized while pigs can have black and white spots they are typically marketed in a solid pink color and do not have horns (or whatever you are supposed to call the things that grow out of male cow heads - Can you believe I went to Texas A&M?). Today's folly comes in a close second to the "Boz" incident of last year. I have been going to EatZi's for years and until last year thought the EatZi's names for their various dips was Boz.  I had talked to friends and family about the Boz both on the phone and with them in the store, but no one ever caught on to my mistake.  Finally, while I was in the store last year, I picked up a container of hummus that weighed something in ounces and I ha...

This Sunday, I accidentally opened the door to the men’s room at a bar (and it was not a result of too much alcohol.). I suppose I was confused because the men’s room door was right by the exit door to the restroom area. One of the people I was at the bar with was in the restroom at the time, but thankfully, I saw nothing. However, he saw me. I was mortified. This is the third time I can remember doing something like this. The first time I was in elementary school and luckily, no one was in there. The second time was the absolute worst. I used to live in Plano in the early 2000s and belonged to the 24 Hour Fitness at the corner of Park and Ohio. One day after working out, I decided I should weigh myself (never really a good idea). I had not used the locker rooms as I always would go home post workout, so I wasn’t familiar with them, but I knew there would be a scale inside. I entered the locker room and made a beeline to the scale. When I reached it (it was good 20 feet from the...

About three years ago, I agreed to dog sit for my parents while they were on vacation.   At approximately 6:23 AM, Snickers, my little furry terrier mix mutt sister (Rest in Peace Snickers), woke me up to let her outside. I opened the door to the already somewhat sunny backyard and walked out with the dog.   She ran around the perimeter of the pool and through the various bushes and shrubs that line the six-foot tall wood plank fence (I never really understood the difference between a bush and shrub, so I looked them up online and found out they are one in the same.   BTW – I have Attention Deficit Disorder and an obsession for looking up things online).   Snickers was having fun running and then out of nowhere, I hear shrieking. I peer into the shrub where the shrieking is coming from and I see one of Snickers tan little front legs bent, so I immediately and instinctively reach into the shrub to grab her thinking somehow she broke her leg.   There I am hold...

I needed to do a little grocery shopping tonight, so I stopped by Whole Foods. The first item I needed to get was parsley (for the guinea pigs, Gus and Richard Lewis). I started grabbing bunches of them and one kept falling off the shelf onto the floor, so finally, I put some extra force into getting in back on the shelf and staying there. There was a man who was maybe in his 50s watching this. I smiled at him and laughed about what just happened. I strolled away to get the rest of my items and I continued to be on every aisle with this man. I kept smiling and trying to do my grocery shopping and he kept smiling back. It made just a wee bit uncomfortable. When I was done gathering my food supplies, I rolled over to a register and my new friend decided he needed to get in line behind me (yippy). He stopped, looked at me, and said, "You have such a nice smile." Don't get me wrong I will never turn down a compliment, but I was now stuck at the register and force...

Two dear friends invited me out for drinks tonight at La Duni NorthPark. I was happy not to be going home and wallowing in sadness (i.e. getting drunk by myself - it's true, it's what I would have done). I walk into the restaurant and immediately recognize someone I went to high school with who is my FB friend and I haven't seen in 16 years, which was weird, but nice to see a familiar face I haven't seen a while other than in a tiny little square of a photo. I sit down and I'm having drinks with my friends and we're talking about all different topics one of which is ex-boyfriends (not the most recent one) and no kidding about 10 minutes later my phone starts ringing and it's one of my exes. CRAZY! I normally would not answer my phone, but to entertain my guests, I did. He was actually calling to see if I wanted to go on a double date with the girl he is dating. A day late, a note short there, buddy. I realized he had not read my FB posts this week, s...

I was half-way joking when I said to my dad yesterday that I need to form a dating committee to choose people for me to date, but now I think I really do need a committee to select people for me to date. If you have any suggestions or want to help me date quality men, please feel free to share. You know how to reach me.

WOW The ex-super super dumb boyfriend sent me a long e-mail about his feelings and was supposedly coming clean with the truth except that the e-mail still contained lies. The other girl was able to tell me, since she got to read the e-mail herself because I supplied it. What a classless arse he is. I hope this is my last post about the loser and I will refrain from sharing his e-mail here. Although, I'd love to because I think everyone should know how screwed up he is. Oh well, I'm so happy I can laugh. No tears for this one at all.

Well, almost 24 hours after posting my last blog. I found out I that my boyfriend who has consistently told me he loves me and wants to marry me for the last almost 7 months cheated on with someone we mutually know. I had to find out from another mutual friend of the girl he cheated with and it is this blog that made the other girl realize that the guy she has been "doing things" with was also my boyfriend. Who is stupid enough to cheat with someone who their girlfriend is friends with on Facebook? My ex-boyfriend's first response was to lie and say he didn't do anything. When he finally told the truth and I asked why he didn't tell me a month ago when this happened, he said he didn't want to jeopardize our relationship. Seriously, come on! I am a woman of my word and I am 100% done with this sad excuse for a man. G-d bless social networking. I no longer have to go on the river trip and I'm single again!

My boyfriend, Scott, asked me if I was interested in floating “the river” (Guadalupe) a few weeks ago. I said, “Sure…that would be fun.” I haven’t floated the river since I was in college, but I have heard of all different aged people still going, so I didn’t think too much of it. A couple weeks ago Scott mentioned he booked the hotel room for the trip. I didn’t ask any questions because that’s the type of laid back cool girlfriend I am. ;) Last week when Scott was talking about the trip to one of his friends, I decided to ask who was going with us. He told me his friend Jimmy and girlfriend Karen. I’ve been around Jimmy a whole three times and Karen one time. Jimmy is 28 and Karen is 24. This was a little bit of a problem for me seeing as I am six years older than Jimmy and a whopping 10 years older than Karen. The one time we met she was a little tipsy and was quite humored by how old I am. This made me feel exceptionally awesome. Also, Karen is a size 0, folks. I’m ...

Why did you join Eharmony? I enjoy communicating via written text while sitting on my couch with my computer on my lap. I thought what better way to enjoy my favorite pastime than a dating site. I chose Eharmony because they have so many opportunities for me to write novels about myself to strangers. If you could have any super power what would it be and why? I do have super powers, but mine are not the regular kind of super powers and they are not really so much super powers as they are super disabilites. I walk into walls, trip over things (sometimes things that aren’t there), I bump into tables, kick objects, and so much more. I enhance this power by wearing heels as often as possible. It makes me feel like I’m living on the edge. If I really did have a super power, I would like the ability transform my right arm into a “gadget” like arm and be able to mold my hand into different shapes, so when I drop something between the seat of my car and console, I can reach down and get...

The following are three questions I used for a time when I was Eharmony to try to weed out the uninteresting ones. The first one is an inside joke, so I'm not sure the guys would understand it, but I seem to recall this question helping me (to decide not to ever meet anyone). 1. Are you Irish or do you belong to the Vipor club? 2. Tell me about your worst blind date or most embarrassing moment? 3. How do you feel about day drinking?

My friend Amy and I were out tonight and we were reminiscing about a variety of people and events and I was reminded of on one of my most embarrassing moments. I was 16 and getting confirmed at Temple Emanu-El. I had a huge fear of public speaking and requested the shortest possible speaking part. I was given two lines to read; one in Hebrew and one in English. My entire class was on the bema (sp.? and basically a bema is stage [yeah, obviously, I paid a lot of attention at Sunday school]). We were seated in rows across the stage and the podium (I'm sure there is a different word for this, but again, I didn't really pay attention.) was in the middle. Everyone's parents, family, and friends were in the audience. This was going to be no big deal. All I needed to do was know when it was my turn and go up and read my two lines. My turn came, I walked to the center of the bema, walked up to podium, read my two lines just fine, turned to walk away, paused because I realized...

Tonight on my way home I was feeling like I needed to make fun of all of the people driving slow in the left lane while I used the practically empty right lane to pass until I realized my lights weren't on. You see I always keep them on auto, but I took my car in for an oil change/tire rotation recently and they turned my lights off. It didn't dawn on me until I was almost home that my lights weren't on. Now I'm the freaky person driving fast in the right lane without their lights on. I'm so ashamed.

BTW - The shirt I'm wearing in my profile pic is one I had to buy at a gift shop in my hotel in Vegas because I packed clothes for two nights, but I was staying for three. Somehow, I miscalculated.

I haven't created an entry since 2006 and I think it might be high time I got back to sharing the all of the exciting details of my daily occurrences almost exactly four years after I started this silliness.

Well, my graceful self struck again. This is not that funny, but typical, so I'm sharing. Here's what happened. I returned home from some afternoon errand running today. I got out of my car, which I had parked in my apartment parking garage and took my Starbucks iced latte with me. I walked up to the door that allows me entry into the hallway leading to my apartment. Just as I was walking through the door, one of my neighbors was leaving. Unfortunately for me, he didn't leave fast enough. I walked around my neighbor slowly and then slipped on the polished concrete floor (it is raining today) and went down fast. This time rather than falling forward as I normally do, I fell backwards onto my hip, so that I landed with my body sprawled on the floor. Luckily the contents of my purse did not empty themselves, I didn't spill my coffee, and my back was to the neighbor. There was an awkward moment of silence as I sat on the floor (car payment plus shiny blue snakeskin boots un...

I just saw Match Point with some friends at The Angelika. It was a very good movie, but also disturbing. After the movie I was excited to get to my car because it was cold and misting outside and I wanted to get home to prepare for an interview I have tomorrow morning. I got to my car, which was parked in a spot close to theater. I was a bit concerned about the spot as it was a tight one and I thought one of my doors would get dinged. When I returned to my car the doors appeared to be just as they were when I left them (yippy!). I got in my car and started to move towards the parking lot exit. I decided to check my messages on my cell phone as I was driving out. My sweet little mother called to ask how I was doing. I called my parent’s house to return their call just as I was turning left from Mockingbird to go south on Central. My parents weren’t home so I left a message saying that I just saw Match Point. I believe it was right as the name of the movie was coming out of my...

I went shopping at Central Market today and they had chips and salsa for sampling. I, of course, had to have some. I accidentally knocked a column of cups to put the salsa in on to the floor as I was trying to get salsa into my cup. They went everywhere. I had to pick them all up as others were coming to get samples (the table was unattended). People just looked at me with funny expressions on their face while I was crouched on the floor picking up my mess. I tried to make friendly funny comments to them, but I ended up talking to myself.