Don't Laugh. It's Not Funny. It's My Life.

About three years ago, I agreed to dog sit for my parents while they were on vacation.   At approximately 6:23 AM, Snickers, my little furry terrier mix mutt sister (Rest in Peace Snickers), woke me up to let her outside. I opened the door to the already somewhat sunny backyard and walked out with the dog.   She ran around the perimeter of the pool and through the various bushes and shrubs that line the six-foot tall wood plank fence (I never really understood the difference between a bush and shrub, so I looked them up online and found out they are one in the same.   BTW – I have Attention Deficit Disorder and an obsession for looking up things online).   Snickers was having fun running and then out of nowhere, I hear shrieking. I peer into the shrub where the shrieking is coming from and I see one of Snickers tan little front legs bent, so I immediately and instinctively reach into the shrub to grab her thinking somehow she broke her leg.   There I am hold...

I needed to do a little grocery shopping tonight, so I stopped by Whole Foods. The first item I needed to get was parsley (for the guinea pigs, Gus and Richard Lewis). I started grabbing bunches of them and one kept falling off the shelf onto the floor, so finally, I put some extra force into getting in back on the shelf and staying there. There was a man who was maybe in his 50s watching this. I smiled at him and laughed about what just happened. I strolled away to get the rest of my items and I continued to be on every aisle with this man. I kept smiling and trying to do my grocery shopping and he kept smiling back. It made just a wee bit uncomfortable. When I was done gathering my food supplies, I rolled over to a register and my new friend decided he needed to get in line behind me (yippy). He stopped, looked at me, and said, "You have such a nice smile." Don't get me wrong I will never turn down a compliment, but I was now stuck at the register and force...

Two dear friends invited me out for drinks tonight at La Duni NorthPark. I was happy not to be going home and wallowing in sadness (i.e. getting drunk by myself - it's true, it's what I would have done). I walk into the restaurant and immediately recognize someone I went to high school with who is my FB friend and I haven't seen in 16 years, which was weird, but nice to see a familiar face I haven't seen a while other than in a tiny little square of a photo. I sit down and I'm having drinks with my friends and we're talking about all different topics one of which is ex-boyfriends (not the most recent one) and no kidding about 10 minutes later my phone starts ringing and it's one of my exes. CRAZY! I normally would not answer my phone, but to entertain my guests, I did. He was actually calling to see if I wanted to go on a double date with the girl he is dating. A day late, a note short there, buddy. I realized he had not read my FB posts this week, s...

I was half-way joking when I said to my dad yesterday that I need to form a dating committee to choose people for me to date, but now I think I really do need a committee to select people for me to date. If you have any suggestions or want to help me date quality men, please feel free to share. You know how to reach me.

WOW The ex-super super dumb boyfriend sent me a long e-mail about his feelings and was supposedly coming clean with the truth except that the e-mail still contained lies. The other girl was able to tell me, since she got to read the e-mail herself because I supplied it. What a classless arse he is. I hope this is my last post about the loser and I will refrain from sharing his e-mail here. Although, I'd love to because I think everyone should know how screwed up he is. Oh well, I'm so happy I can laugh. No tears for this one at all.

Well, almost 24 hours after posting my last blog. I found out I that my boyfriend who has consistently told me he loves me and wants to marry me for the last almost 7 months cheated on with someone we mutually know. I had to find out from another mutual friend of the girl he cheated with and it is this blog that made the other girl realize that the guy she has been "doing things" with was also my boyfriend. Who is stupid enough to cheat with someone who their girlfriend is friends with on Facebook? My ex-boyfriend's first response was to lie and say he didn't do anything. When he finally told the truth and I asked why he didn't tell me a month ago when this happened, he said he didn't want to jeopardize our relationship. Seriously, come on! I am a woman of my word and I am 100% done with this sad excuse for a man. G-d bless social networking. I no longer have to go on the river trip and I'm single again!

My boyfriend, Scott, asked me if I was interested in floating “the river” (Guadalupe) a few weeks ago. I said, “Sure…that would be fun.” I haven’t floated the river since I was in college, but I have heard of all different aged people still going, so I didn’t think too much of it. A couple weeks ago Scott mentioned he booked the hotel room for the trip. I didn’t ask any questions because that’s the type of laid back cool girlfriend I am. ;) Last week when Scott was talking about the trip to one of his friends, I decided to ask who was going with us. He told me his friend Jimmy and girlfriend Karen. I’ve been around Jimmy a whole three times and Karen one time. Jimmy is 28 and Karen is 24. This was a little bit of a problem for me seeing as I am six years older than Jimmy and a whopping 10 years older than Karen. The one time we met she was a little tipsy and was quite humored by how old I am. This made me feel exceptionally awesome. Also, Karen is a size 0, folks. I’m ...

Why did you join Eharmony? I enjoy communicating via written text while sitting on my couch with my computer on my lap. I thought what better way to enjoy my favorite pastime than a dating site. I chose Eharmony because they have so many opportunities for me to write novels about myself to strangers. If you could have any super power what would it be and why? I do have super powers, but mine are not the regular kind of super powers and they are not really so much super powers as they are super disabilites. I walk into walls, trip over things (sometimes things that aren’t there), I bump into tables, kick objects, and so much more. I enhance this power by wearing heels as often as possible. It makes me feel like I’m living on the edge. If I really did have a super power, I would like the ability transform my right arm into a “gadget” like arm and be able to mold my hand into different shapes, so when I drop something between the seat of my car and console, I can reach down and get...

The following are three questions I used for a time when I was Eharmony to try to weed out the uninteresting ones. The first one is an inside joke, so I'm not sure the guys would understand it, but I seem to recall this question helping me (to decide not to ever meet anyone). 1. Are you Irish or do you belong to the Vipor club? 2. Tell me about your worst blind date or most embarrassing moment? 3. How do you feel about day drinking?

My friend Amy and I were out tonight and we were reminiscing about a variety of people and events and I was reminded of on one of my most embarrassing moments. I was 16 and getting confirmed at Temple Emanu-El. I had a huge fear of public speaking and requested the shortest possible speaking part. I was given two lines to read; one in Hebrew and one in English. My entire class was on the bema (sp.? and basically a bema is stage [yeah, obviously, I paid a lot of attention at Sunday school]). We were seated in rows across the stage and the podium (I'm sure there is a different word for this, but again, I didn't really pay attention.) was in the middle. Everyone's parents, family, and friends were in the audience. This was going to be no big deal. All I needed to do was know when it was my turn and go up and read my two lines. My turn came, I walked to the center of the bema, walked up to podium, read my two lines just fine, turned to walk away, paused because I realized...

Tonight on my way home I was feeling like I needed to make fun of all of the people driving slow in the left lane while I used the practically empty right lane to pass until I realized my lights weren't on. You see I always keep them on auto, but I took my car in for an oil change/tire rotation recently and they turned my lights off. It didn't dawn on me until I was almost home that my lights weren't on. Now I'm the freaky person driving fast in the right lane without their lights on. I'm so ashamed.

BTW - The shirt I'm wearing in my profile pic is one I had to buy at a gift shop in my hotel in Vegas because I packed clothes for two nights, but I was staying for three. Somehow, I miscalculated.

I haven't created an entry since 2006 and I think it might be high time I got back to sharing the all of the exciting details of my daily occurrences almost exactly four years after I started this silliness.

Well, my graceful self struck again. This is not that funny, but typical, so I'm sharing. Here's what happened. I returned home from some afternoon errand running today. I got out of my car, which I had parked in my apartment parking garage and took my Starbucks iced latte with me. I walked up to the door that allows me entry into the hallway leading to my apartment. Just as I was walking through the door, one of my neighbors was leaving. Unfortunately for me, he didn't leave fast enough. I walked around my neighbor slowly and then slipped on the polished concrete floor (it is raining today) and went down fast. This time rather than falling forward as I normally do, I fell backwards onto my hip, so that I landed with my body sprawled on the floor. Luckily the contents of my purse did not empty themselves, I didn't spill my coffee, and my back was to the neighbor. There was an awkward moment of silence as I sat on the floor (car payment plus shiny blue snakeskin boots un...

I just saw Match Point with some friends at The Angelika. It was a very good movie, but also disturbing. After the movie I was excited to get to my car because it was cold and misting outside and I wanted to get home to prepare for an interview I have tomorrow morning. I got to my car, which was parked in a spot close to theater. I was a bit concerned about the spot as it was a tight one and I thought one of my doors would get dinged. When I returned to my car the doors appeared to be just as they were when I left them (yippy!). I got in my car and started to move towards the parking lot exit. I decided to check my messages on my cell phone as I was driving out. My sweet little mother called to ask how I was doing. I called my parent’s house to return their call just as I was turning left from Mockingbird to go south on Central. My parents weren’t home so I left a message saying that I just saw Match Point. I believe it was right as the name of the movie was coming out of my...

I went shopping at Central Market today and they had chips and salsa for sampling. I, of course, had to have some. I accidentally knocked a column of cups to put the salsa in on to the floor as I was trying to get salsa into my cup. They went everywhere. I had to pick them all up as others were coming to get samples (the table was unattended). People just looked at me with funny expressions on their face while I was crouched on the floor picking up my mess. I tried to make friendly funny comments to them, but I ended up talking to myself.

I was at Nordstrom NorthPark yesterday getting a massage (I was the very lucky recipient of Nordstrom’s spa gift card for Christmas.). For those of you that know me well, which I believe most of you do, I could not resist the urge to shop after my massage was over and I was released into the store. I have been so good. I haven’t bought any clothes since the beginning of November. However, before I could make it down to the shoe department (I didn’t buy any shoes!!!!!! Can you believe it????) I was held captive on the second floor. The lights were bright and the clothes were sparkling (lots of sequins), I just could not leave without looking, which leads me to my story. I purchased this really cute white cotton ¾ length sleeved, v-neck T-shirt with beautiful beaded and sequined birds, flowers, and a horse shoe in hues of pinks, blues, purples, and greens and the words “Good Luck” on it. Everyone knows that I could use as much good luck as possible right now, so I had to buy the shirt (N...

Over the years I have had a number of sober accidents. A few of you may know about some of them. There was the “Fan Wax” incident of ’02, “Oops the Sidewalk Ended” of ’03, and “Heel in Cuff” of ’05 just to name a few. Well, I have had my first sober, painful accident of ’06 and it involved skipping. Apparently one should not skip ever if one is clumsy (Pam – Do you remember your skipping incident “No zapatos para me?”) Anyway, I was happily watching television on the couch in my living room and had just finished eating a delicious Weight Watchers fudge bar (I like to eat mine in a bowl with a spoon. It’s more fun that way. These fudge bars are quite good. You should go out and get some for yourself). The fudge bar was so delicious and I decided I needed a second. I was in such a great mood that I leapt right off the couch with my bowl and spoon in hand and began to skip to the kitchen. Unfortunately this did not last long. I was barefooted skipping from my couch to the kitchen and my E...