Pigs, Cows, and Boz

I had an incident today where I didn't know the difference between a pig and a cow toy while shopping at a store.  It was funny and also embarrassing when the guy at the register told me I picked up a cow and I told him I had picked up a pig.  I realized while pigs can have black and white spots they are typically marketed in a solid pink color and do not have horns (or whatever you are supposed to call the things that grow out of male cow heads - Can you believe I went to Texas A&M?).

Today's folly comes in a close second to the "Boz" incident of last year. I have been going to EatZi's for years and until last year thought the EatZi's names for their various dips was Boz.  I had talked to friends and family about the Boz both on the phone and with them in the store, but no one ever caught on to my mistake.  Finally, while I was in the store last year, I picked up a container of hummus that weighed something in ounces and I had an epiphany.  There is no such thing as Boz, but EatZi's does sell dip in 8oz containers.  This was definitely one of my finer moments.

Men's Room x 3

This Sunday, I accidentally opened the door to the men’s room at a bar (and it was not a result of too much alcohol.). I suppose I was confused because the men’s room door was right by the exit door to the restroom area. One of the people I was at the bar with was in the restroom at the time, but thankfully, I saw nothing. However, he saw me. I was mortified.


This is the third time I can remember doing something like this. The first time I was in elementary school and luckily, no one was in there. The second time was the absolute worst.

I used to live in Plano in the early 2000s and belonged to the 24 Hour Fitness at the corner of Park and Ohio. One day after working out, I decided I should weigh myself (never really a good idea). I had not used the locker rooms as I always would go home post workout, so I wasn’t familiar with them, but I knew there would be a scale inside.

I entered the locker room and made a beeline to the scale. When I reached it (it was good 20 feet from the entry door), I looked to my left and noticed two naked men. I stood frozen for what seemed like an eternity and tried not to panic. How would I gracefully get out of this situation unnoticed? I contemplated for a brief moment and determined the best course of action would be walk briskly toward the exit because running would draw more attention. I’m sure the two naked men saw me and thought I was some sort of major pervert or perhaps, intellectually challenged.

I made it to the exit, pushed open the door at the same time a man was entering the locker room. He had the oddest expression on his face, but didn’t say anything to me. At this point, I was beet red and ran to the exit of the gym. As soon as I got outside, I started hysterically laughing, which probably made me look even better than I already did.

The Squirrel Story

About three years ago, I agreed to dog sit for my parents while they were on vacation.  At approximately 6:23 AM, Snickers, my little furry terrier mix mutt sister (Rest in Peace Snickers), woke me up to let her outside. I opened the door to the already somewhat sunny backyard and walked out with the dog.  She ran around the perimeter of the pool and through the various bushes and shrubs that line the six-foot tall wood plank fence (I never really understood the difference between a bush and shrub, so I looked them up online and found out they are one in the same.  BTW – I have Attention Deficit Disorder and an obsession for looking up things online).  Snickers was having fun running and then out of nowhere, I hear shrieking. I peer into the shrub where the shrieking is coming from and I see one of Snickers tan little front legs bent, so I immediately and instinctively reach into the shrub to grab her thinking somehow she broke her leg.  There I am holding her with her back to me with each of my hands under her front legs and notice her leg is not broken.  There is squirrel, who blends perfectly with the fur on Snicker’s leg, dangling from her right leg.  Now the shrieking is coming from me.  I’m yelling “OH MY G-D, OH MY G-D” over and over again and without thinking I am swinging the dog in an attempt to get the squirrel off her leg.  The squirrel finally lets go and drops to the ground.  I then watch perhaps one of the creepiest events I’ve ever witnessed in my life.  The squirrel slinked back into the bushes by use of it’s front legs and it’s hind legs dragged behind.

At this point, the large portion of the crisis is over, I open the back door to the house and start yelling for boyfriend, who was staying with me.  He comes bounding down the stairs thinking there’s a fire.  I explain what just happened and he goes outside, grabs one of the pool nets on a very long pole and starts banging on the fence in the area where I said the squirrel went.  The squirrel emerges and manages to climb the fence only using it’s front legs.  When the squirrel reaches the top of the fence, my boyfriend knocks it over the fence into the neighbors yard.  I felt so bad for the squirrel, but was more concerned about Snickers.  She was about 14 at the time and was beginning to have signs of old age.  I didn’t know what was wrong with the squirrel and Snickers little leg was bleeding.  My boyfriend and I found bandages in downstairs closet and wrapped Snicker’s leg.

I called Animal Control because I was concerned about and for the squirrel.  I told the gentleman on the phone what had transpired.  He explained there was probably nothing to worry about regarding disease and that it’s a common misconception that most squirrels carry rabies.  He asked about the squirrel’s whereabouts.  I told him that the squirrel was in the neighbor’s yard.  The tone of the Animal Control man’s voice changed to one of extreme concern and contempt.  He said I should go to the neighbor’s house to notify them of their new paraplegic yard guest because while the squirrel would most likely die in a couple days due to it’s condition, which was probably caused by being hit by a car, it would be really horrible for the squirrel to be laying on the ground still alive and be eaten by fire ants. 

It was too early to go to the neighbor’s house or the vet, so I took a shower and got ready to go to a client meeting for work.  I decided to drop the dog off at the vet, go to my client meeting, and go back to my parent’s house after the meeting to talk to the neighbor’s.

I went to the neighbor’s house to discuss what happened.  They said they heard me screaming and wondered what was going on (way to be neighborly).  The neighbors proceeded to say they saw the squirrel and knocked it back into my parent’s yard, which I found really hard to believe.  I never saw the squirrel again and Snickers ended up being just fine.

Note to Self: Do Not Smile at Men at Whole Foods

I needed to do a little grocery shopping tonight, so I stopped by Whole Foods. The first item I needed to get was parsley (for the guinea pigs, Gus and Richard Lewis). I started grabbing bunches of them and one kept falling off the shelf onto the floor, so finally, I put some extra force into getting in back on the shelf and staying there. There was a man who was maybe in his 50s watching this. I smiled at him and laughed about what just happened.

I strolled away to get the rest of my items and I continued to be on every aisle with this man. I kept smiling and trying to do my grocery shopping and he kept smiling back. It made just a wee bit uncomfortable.

When I was done gathering my food supplies, I rolled over to a register and my new friend decided he needed to get in line behind me (yippy). He stopped, looked at me, and said, "You have such a nice smile." Don't get me wrong I will never turn down a compliment, but I was now stuck at the register and forced to talk to this man. He told me all about how wonderful the chips are that I was buying and how he liked my yellow nail polish. Then the check out guy said, "That's a lot of parsley." I explained that it's for my pet guinea pigs and they get nothing but the best organic parsley (this is only because Whole Foods is around the corner and I was too lazy to go anywhere else).

My new number 1 fan said that he thought his daughters may have had guinea pigs growing up. Oh, I'm so glad we have this in common. I am now ready to leave, but the guy at the register is still ringing me up. More small talk about my pets occurs. Thankfully, I was able to leave without having to give my name or any other information about myself.

I May Need to Stay in from Now on

Two dear friends invited me out for drinks tonight at La Duni NorthPark. I was happy not to be going home and wallowing in sadness (i.e. getting drunk by myself - it's true, it's what I would have done). I walk into the restaurant and immediately recognize someone I went to high school with who is my FB friend and I haven't seen in 16 years, which was weird, but nice to see a familiar face I haven't seen a while other than in a tiny little square of a photo.

I sit down and I'm having drinks with my friends and we're talking about all different topics one of which is ex-boyfriends (not the most recent one) and no kidding about 10 minutes later my phone starts ringing and it's one of my exes. CRAZY! I normally would not answer my phone, but to entertain my guests, I did. He was actually calling to see if I wanted to go on a double date with the girl he is dating. A day late, a note short there, buddy. I realized he had not read my FB posts this week, so had no idea I was not with my boyfriend any longer. I told him very briefly what happened and his tune changed drastically. He wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. I politely said I was having drinks with friends at La Duni North Park (never giving my location again to an ex) then going home. We ended our call shortly there after. A few minutes later I start getting calls from him again. When I don't answer, I start getting texts. The guy wants to meet me even though I said I had no interest in meeting up when I spoke to him on the phone.

I finish up with my friends and go retrieve my car from the valet. As I'm driving out of the valet, I see this ex walking past my car. I hope he doesn't see me and thankfully, he doesn't. He's a really nice guy, but I don't know how I could have been more clear about not wanting to do anything. I call my friends I just finished having drinks with and say you're never going to believe what happened and I tell them the story. As soon as I hang up with them, my phone is ringing again. The guy still is trying to meet me and I say, "I'm going home. I've had a rough week. I just need to be by myself with my guinea pigs." Granted, the guinea pigs are in their cage and really I'm just going to watch some tv by myself, but I thought that was nice touch.

I call my mom to tell her about my fun evening and my phone starts ringing again. I don't answer it and continue to tell her what is going on. I pull into my garage and am finally assured I will be alone.

My phone rings again and I don't answer. Then I receive a text that says, "I'm coming over.". Really, didn't I just say "no" to going out, so coming over has about a 0% chance. Plus, the "creepy" factor has now reached an all new height. I am happy to say I'm locked, dead bolted, and alarm set in for the night.

Wow, this is a lot for someone who doesn't typically go out and who was just trying to have a quiet evening with friends to help recover from the events of this week.


Let the fun begin (at least I hope it begins)!

Dating Committee

I was half-way joking when I said to my dad yesterday that I need to form a dating committee to choose people for me to date, but now I think I really do need a committee to select people for me to date. If you have any suggestions or want to help me date quality men, please feel free to share. You know how to reach me.

Wow

WOW The ex-super super dumb boyfriend sent me a long e-mail about his feelings and was supposedly coming clean with the truth except that the e-mail still contained lies. The other girl was able to tell me, since she got to read the e-mail herself because I supplied it. What a classless arse he is. I hope this is my last post about the loser and I will refrain from sharing his e-mail here. Although, I'd love to because I think everyone should know how screwed up he is. Oh well, I'm so happy I can laugh. No tears for this one at all.

The End of the River and More

Well, almost 24 hours after posting my last blog. I found out I that my boyfriend who has consistently told me he loves me and wants to marry me for the last almost 7 months cheated on with someone we mutually know. I had to find out from another mutual friend of the girl he cheated with and it is this blog that made the other girl realize that the guy she has been "doing things" with was also my boyfriend. Who is stupid enough to cheat with someone who their girlfriend is friends with on Facebook? My ex-boyfriend's first response was to lie and say he didn't do anything. When he finally told the truth and I asked why he didn't tell me a month ago when this happened, he said he didn't want to jeopardize our relationship. Seriously, come on! I am a woman of my word and I am 100% done with this sad excuse for a man. G-d bless social networking. I no longer have to go on the river trip and I'm single again!

River Trip 08/2010 - The Prologue

My boyfriend, Scott, asked me if I was interested in floating “the river” (Guadalupe) a few weeks ago. I said, “Sure…that would be fun.” I haven’t floated the river since I was in college, but I have heard of all different aged people still going, so I didn’t think too much of it.

A couple weeks ago Scott mentioned he booked the hotel room for the trip. I didn’t ask any questions because that’s the type of laid back cool girlfriend I am. ;) Last week when Scott was talking about the trip to one of his friends, I decided to ask who was going with us. He told me his friend Jimmy and girlfriend Karen.
I’ve been around Jimmy a whole three times and Karen one time. Jimmy is 28 and Karen is 24. This was a little bit of a problem for me seeing as I am six years older than Jimmy and a whopping 10 years older than Karen. The one time we met she was a little tipsy and was quite humored by how old I am. This made me feel exceptionally awesome. Also, Karen is a size 0, folks. I’m sure she won’t need sunscreen if she rides in a tube behind me. Anyway, I learned in mere minutes to accept my fate, but then Scott said we are all sharing a room and I went back to feeling a little weird. I decided to be a big girl and get over it. Also, for those of you wondering, Scott is 32, so we don’t have a big age difference. He just has younger friends.

This brings us up to today when I received an e-mail from Scott asking if I was okay if his friend Clay, who is a housemate of Jimmy’s, and Omar another housemate of Jimmy’s whom I’ve never met, but has a great story, would be joining us on this adventure and sleeping on the floor of our room. I’m not sure how old Omar is, but Clay is also 28 (or maybe younger), so this trip just got exponentially better. I’m sure Omar is a fantastic guy, but he was found through Craig’s List to room with Jimmy and the other housemates. I don’t really feel this is so bad, but at the same time not so good. Omar is from the Middle East and is in Ft. Worth (where Jimmy and crew live) for a few months to attend flight school. Again, I’m sure Omar is a lovely guy. At this point, I’m wondering how much alcohol I can intake on this trip without dying or embarrassing myself more than I will by just showing up.

As soon as I digest and come to terms with the Omar and Clay addition to our room (I even suggested we have a fun sixsome [really not being serious]), I receive another e-mail from Scott letting me know that Karen has invited a bunch of her friends who will be meeting us at the river, but not staying in our room. Frankly, I’m not sure what I would have said if they were staying in our room. Anyway, I will be going to the river with a bunch of people who are between the ages of 24 (and perhaps younger) and 28. The only person I know well is, of course, my boyfriend. This super super trip will commence Friday afternoon. I can’t wait!

Some Questions I Received on Eharmony and My Responses

Why did you join Eharmony?

I enjoy communicating via written text while sitting on my couch with my computer on my lap. I thought what better way to enjoy my favorite pastime than a dating site. I chose Eharmony because they have so many opportunities for me to write novels about myself to strangers.

If you could have any super power what would it be and why?

I do have super powers, but mine are not the regular kind of super powers and they are not really so much super powers as they are super disabilites. I walk into walls, trip over things (sometimes things that aren’t there), I bump into tables, kick objects, and so much more. I enhance this power by wearing heels as often as possible. It makes me feel like I’m living on the edge.

If I really did have a super power, I would like the ability transform my right arm into a “gadget” like arm and be able to mold my hand into different shapes, so when I drop something between the seat of my car and console, I can reach down and get it with ease.

Questions Once Used on Eharmony

The following are three questions I used for a time when I was Eharmony to try to weed out the uninteresting ones. The first one is an inside joke, so I'm not sure the guys would understand it, but I seem to recall this question helping me (to decide not to ever meet anyone).

1. Are you Irish or do you belong to the Vipor club?

2. Tell me about your worst blind date or most embarrassing moment?

3. How do you feel about day drinking?

Please Return to Your Seats

My friend Amy and I were out tonight and we were reminiscing about a variety of people and events and I was reminded of on one of my most embarrassing moments. I was 16 and getting confirmed at Temple Emanu-El. I had a huge fear of public speaking and requested the shortest possible speaking part. I was given two lines to read; one in Hebrew and one in English. My entire class was on the bema (sp.? and basically a bema is stage [yeah, obviously, I paid a lot of attention at Sunday school]). We were seated in rows across the stage and the podium (I'm sure there is a different word for this, but again, I didn't really pay attention.) was in the middle. Everyone's parents, family, and friends were in the audience. This was going to be no big deal. All I needed to do was know when it was my turn and go up and read my two lines. My turn came, I walked to the center of the bema, walked up to podium, read my two lines just fine, turned to walk away, paused because I realized there was something on the paper I just read from that I needed to say, turned back and read, "Please return to your seats". Obviously, this was an instruction to me to return to my seat and the audience, who was seated at the time, was very confused when I announced this direction to them. There was murmuring and then laughter. I had to return to my seat at that time and wait for this moment to be over. I believe the Rabbi made some sort of joke after I sat down. After the ceremony ended, I joined my parents who were very inquisitive about why I had directed the seated audience to return to the very seats they were already seated in. They had a good laugh as did many others. I recall people I didn't really know giving me a hard time about what I said. It was definitely not a good experience for a 16 year old with a fear of public speaking.

Not Cool at All

Tonight on my way home I was feeling like I needed to make fun of all of the people driving slow in the left lane while I used the practically empty right lane to pass until I realized my lights weren't on. You see I always keep them on auto, but I took my car in for an oil change/tire rotation recently and they turned my lights off. It didn't dawn on me until I was almost home that my lights weren't on. Now I'm the freaky person driving fast in the right lane without their lights on. I'm so ashamed.

BTW - The shirt I'm wearing in my profile pic is one I had to buy at a gift shop in my hotel in Vegas because I packed clothes for two nights, but I was staying for three. Somehow, I miscalculated.

Back to blogging?

I haven't created an entry since 2006 and I think it might be high time I got back to sharing the all of the exciting details of my daily occurrences almost exactly four years after I started this silliness.