You Can Imagine

For my entire life, I have heard the expression, "I can't imagine...".  The thing is, we CAN imagine.  People say that as a response to something they deem as pretty terrible when they are listening and want to convey something like, "WOW, THAT SUCKS SO BAD."  instead of saying, "I can imagine. Do you want to share how bad things are?"  That's what I want to do!!! However, in small doses.  I WANT TO BE HEARD. I have a CHRONIC problem.  It will not go away and is always with me, and it is BAD.  

Unfortunately, my issues are not the most popular conversation topics, and almost everybody thinks they should shut me down and tell me how lucky I am when I start talking.  I get into arguments trying to convince friends and strangers that things are NOT great.  Then the solution ideas start coming.  What if you did _________?  How about trying _________? You really need to _________.  How do so many people know what I need more than me?  I spend 24/7 with myself.  Doesn't that make me an expert on me?  This also makes it hard to talk about "normal" things like you, your family, your job and etc.  Believe me, I would rather hear about you, and when the conversation starts about my issues, there is no conversation.  

Remember the sack of flour we all had in school as our "baby" we had to take care of for a week.  We did this to begin to imagine what it is like to care for a child.  If that exercise gave you even the slightest taste of what it is like to be a parent, then I will venture to say you can imagine what it's like to carry other people's responsibilities.

I have been backing away from society for years because the "mean wells" have been eating away at me. Words DO hurt, and I get assaulted by them almost every day.

My patience is starting to wear thin, so I am sorry in advance if I snap at you.  Please understand my anger is a culmination of years of people "meaning well."  I find joy in things, but do not ask me what I find joy in (many people ask me this).  The list is short, and having me say what I find joy in makes me "hear" everything I cannot find joy in any longer.  Similarly, there is no need to tell me how lucky I am, how great my husband is, and so on.  I am very aware of how much worse my situation would be without all of the things that keep me going.  Continuing to hear comments about how lucky I am (I guess it's lucky to lose your ability to function independently) makes me angry.  I am in a complete partnership with my spouse, and when he gets all the accolades, I feel like a pile of shit.  I will restate, this is an EQUAL partnership.

I am thriving at my job, which is full-time and is one of the things that is keeping me going. I am working on doing more socially, but the last two years and my introverted side have made me enjoy being alone and in one place for long stretches of time more than ever.  It's okay if that is something you would not enjoy, but I do. I have had trouble making friends and have had to say "goodbye" to those making life more difficult.  Almost every human encounter ends up making me feel bad, so for the sake of saving me and you, I need a lot of time to figure out how I will navigate the rest of my life.

I found the article below, and the message is pretty spot-on regarding how I feel and what I am attempting to communicate.

BY REBEKAH TAUSSIG AUGUST 20, 2020

Taussig is the author of Sitting Pretty: The View From My Ordinary Resilient Disabled Body

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